Ex-gays are everywhere, yet too often this community is excluded from the conversation about same-sex attraction in pop culture and the public square.
Ex-gays are mocked, excluded from public forums, or simply told they don’t exist!
People deserve to know the truth about the many men, women, and children who have made a decision to change their lives. And PFOX offers a place for help, a place for truth and a voice in the conversation.
Respecting the lives of real people who have made a decision to change – and including them in the conversation – is part of building a tolerant society.
As we work toward building a more loving and tolerant society, we encourage you to review some of the questions we commonly receive about ex-gays below.
What is an Ex-Gay?
Each year thousands of men and women with unwanted same-sex attractions make the personal decision to leave behind their former gay identity. And through gender affirming programs, including counseling, support groups, faith based ministries, and other non-judgmental environments, they are largely successful. Their decision is one only they can make.
Why dont we hear from more Ex-Gays?
There are simply too many reasons to name all of the factors that contribute to why ex-gays are not heard from more commonly in our culture. However, there are two answers which seem to standout most commonly among ex-gays: safety and shame.
Safety: It is simply not safe to be ex-gay in the culture. Ex-gays who speak up in the public square are constantly belittled, ridiculed, and face relentless harassment from activists and public servants alike – simply for daring to exist and share their story. Their story is maligned, their character attacked, and sometimes their very livelihood jeopardized. Why would anyone want to attract such unwanted attention after overcoming one of the greatest challenges of their entire life?
Shame: The other common reason is that ex-gays feel a great deal of shame. We frequently hear, “Same-sex attraction and living the gay lifestyle is a part of my past – I’ve moved on.” Some have families, children; and they just want to leave the past behind them. Others are fearful of what people would think about them upon hearing their story: will they be looked upon with suspicion for their past sexual behavior? Will they be viewed as “icky” and an “abomination”? Will they lose friendships, respect, or trust at church? Additionally, for a significant number of ex-gays there is a story of sexual abuse in their childhood that is quite painful to acknowledge on its own, much less discuss it publicly.
Each year thousands of men and women with unwanted same-sex attractions make the personal decision to leave behind their former gay identity by participating in gender affirming programs, including counseling, support groups, faith based ministries, and other non-judgmental environments. Their decision is one only they can make. However, there are those who narrow-mindedly refuse to respect individual self-determination. Consequently, formerly gay men and women are reviled simply because they dare to exist. Without PFOX, former homosexuals would have no voice in an increasingly hostile environment.
WHY DO SOME EX-GAYS STILL APPEAR GAY?
This question is occasionally posed to ex-gay men or women who speak or appear with personality quirks, vocal tone, or gestures typically associated with the opposite sex. In answering this question, it’s important to remember that sexual orientation is a matter of self-affirmation and public declaration, not by identified or defined by mannerisms, voice inflection, or by cultural stereotypes like whether or not a male is good at sports or a female acts like a “tom-boy.”
Many ex-gay men, for example, will tell you that for one reason or another they were closer to their mother during childhood and picked up various feminine mannerisms and characteristics. In much the same way that a person picks up a different dialect when moving to another part of the country, those mannerisms can stay with you over many years – or even a lifetime. Expressing certain mannerisms or behaviors typically associated with the opposite sex often led them to hear different negative labels from adults, bullying from peers, and a poor sense of self that then felt exonerated when they found temporary acceptance in a gay identity. For some these mannerisms, tone, and other traits can simply stay with them long after overcoming homosexuality.
WHY DO SOME EX-GAYS STILL HAVE SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS?
While the question is understandable given most people’s lack of exposure to more ex-gays, it’s truly unfair that ex-gays are often automatically held to a standard of thinking uncommon with any other type of human addiction or behavior. Is a reformed porn addict still vulnerable to temptation to pornography? Does a recovering alcoholic ever feel the pull to take a drink? Like other addictions, the process of overcoming a sometimes lifelong struggle is unique to each person. Sexuality can be complicated, and can manifest itself differently in men and women.
The reality is that ex-gays make a decision to change their lives, but the journey is different for each person. Some have spent 20 years in the gay lifestyle, overcame their same-sex attraction, and never ever had the feelings or sexual attractions return. Others spend the rest of their lives occasionally feeling attractions to the same-sex, but unlike earlier points in their life they now have an understanding and control of those attractions.
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