What I Know Now That I’m Ex-Gay

1. I was born with this and cannot change because it is genetic

I bought that hook line and sinker. I read many books in order to answer my questions why as a male I developed same sex attractions. Most of the books said that it was not possible to change and that there was no cure. I once asked myself if ...if there was a pill that could cure me ... would I have taken it? YES. But all I knew from the progay books was that it was an inborn trait and that I just had to accept myself. I really hated being a homosexual, but when you can´t fix it then you have to stand it. So I settled for an answer I found in a gay youth book. When someone asked what I think caused me to be gay, I told them "LUCK" , and most of the studies that were published in the progay magazines claimed that there was evidence that there was a genetic component involved.

2. I trust what the gay community is telling me because they say they care about me

Not exactly. I early found out that I was different than other Gays and lesbians. I did want to work for more tolerance and acceptance of gay people, but I was constantly bashed by my gay and lesbians friends when I stated that it was not normal to be gay. The norm was to be heterosexual.

When legal same sex unions were introduced in Denmark in 1989 (the first country of the world to do so ), I cheered along with my friends. Now gay and lesbians had the same rights as heterosexual couples. What more could they want? We had equal rights. But some gays that were not Christian or had no religious beliefs at all said that now we had to fight for the right to have church marriages. I told them I was against that. Church marriage was something holy and sacred for me and for a man and a woman only. It felt unnatural to me that a man and a woman should marry in a church. That was sacrilegious.

Oh I was scorned by the vocal loud people in the progay organisation ... over and over again I was told that I had a long way to come in truly accepting who I was. I learned that in any organisation people have the attitude ... if you´re not with us you must be against us. It was their way or the highway.

I also didn´t want to walk in a gay pride parade. I didn´t feel I had anything in common with the transvestites (the transgendered) and the sexual showing off was repulsive to me. Walk in a parade with men dressed as women and sexual perverts that just wanted to shock people -- NO WAY. Well diversity has always been good I
thought, but there was no room for the average gay guy in one of these gay pride parades. And I felt they were hurting gay and lesbian people more, by showing off all the stereotypes.

I was also very active in safe sex education. I sometimes objected to having to be too graphic when telling 14 and 15 year olds about safe sex. Also I wanted to emphasize that there was no such thing as safe sex. Safe sex could reduce the risk of std´s but there was always a risk. But my fellow gays objected. So I cannot subscribe to the sentence that ... the gay community cared for me ... It was their way or the highway.

But what really disillusioned me about gay people was the shallowness and the obsession about youth. And that it was perfectly natural to have 200 sex partners every year. I thought that was wrong. When I began to change my life 5 years ago I asked my roommate (a pumped up bodybuilder on steroids), if he didn´t want to find someone special to love. A boyfriend? I told him that he probably had had about 2500 sex partners in his life, and did he not want more than sex? He looked very puzzled at me ... and told me that it was not possible to find a boyfriend and that he had to take what he could get and enjoy himself while he was waiting for Mr. right. I told him I doubted he would find Mr. Right the way he lived.

3. I cannot believe in God or the church anymore because they do not accept me.

I knew perfectly well what the bible told me about homosexuality. I was doomed and damned. I did believe in Jesus. I had to hope for mercy on judgment day. For me christians were heterosexists and judgmental. I felt like a leper or a samaritan. No Christian would touch me with a 5 feet pole.

Condemnation and damnation were all gay people got from churches so even if I loved Jesus and I knew he loved me I would not go to a church to worship when I was among a bunch of hypocrites that was not Christlike at all. There were no resources for people who wanted to leave homosexuality.

I also saw that gays and lesbians were constantly verbally harassed and made the scapegoat by Christians. Anyway there was no God ... if there really was a God he would not have allowed me to be gay. Like some of my Christians friends have told me ... well god made me this way. I think most people with a religious background and upbringing that experience same sex attraction find it nearly impossible to reconcile their religious beliefs and their feelings. Some choose to live celibately and expect that they may not be able to change in this life and that this is just a challenge like any other challenge. I really admire these people.

4. Reparative therapy is harmful

I saw a documentary film about Exodus 8 years ago. It was made by progays. The film was about how Exodus came to a small Norwegian town and the young gay men killed themselves. It was the most horrible documentary I had ever seen. It said that gay people could not change and Christian fanatics were shameless telling gay people to repress their feelings and pretend they were straight. They showed a horrible gay couple that had married (a former gay and lesbian). They had no children and looked immensely depressed. The film in effect said -- They had got to be kidding! What a horrible joke! Only gay people full of self-hatred would try to change.

The idea that gay people will commit suicide if they get involved with one of those so called exgay-ministries was deeply imprinted in me by the gay community and repeated by every progay you discuss the possibility of change with. Progays will say it´s much better that you accept yourself and be yourself instead of trying to be something you´re not.

I think the common misconceptions about reparative therapy or exgays are:

Change is not possible ... if I still have same sex attractions I have not changed. If change is possible, then my opposite sex attractions have to be just as strong and with the same emotional qualities that my same sex attractions (ssa)have.

People who have changed are just repressing their feelings of same sex attraction, no real change has happened, they just pretend.

If I can not get an erection by just looking at a woman I can never change, so why even try.

People who undergo reparative therapy will kill themselves.

You will never be happy this way, being something you´re not.

Despite all these myths propagated by the gay community, I will testify that all the years I spent in reparative therapy have paid off. I have healed a lot of my wounds. It has taken me a long time and it has been a process, not an event. Like ex-gay Sy Rogers said, it doesn´t just say "Bling" and every ounce of homosexual desire will be drained from your body. But I don’t long and yearn for a man to love me anymore. I am attracted to women.

Sometimes I feel attracted to a man, but I know I will not be happy by acting on those feelings. I have turned my life over to the care of God and I feel the holy spirit guide me and comfort me. There is no obstacle that can not be overcome. I think that it will take a long time before it becomes commonly known that it´s possible to change your sexual orientation. The progays will advocate that this is not the case and they do spread a lot of lies about it, in a desperate attempt to hold unto their identities they have fought so hard to form. It is painful to change your identity and let go of misconceptions.

What helps me the most is the love from true Christians. Hugs and encouragement. What sets me back is prejudices and misconceptions about people who have ssa. And if I perceive people to be antigay I simply shut down and stop listening. It´s a knee jerk reaction to protect myself from being hurt. If we love everybody like Christ does everybody wins.

I feel somewhat cheated today by the progays. I was lied to. I was so much more than my attractions. I no longer believe I was born that way. I could not find happiness living a gay lifestyle ... and I really tried. I did found love, but same sex relationships in general have a short lifespan.

-- Neal