Diary of an Ex-Gay Man, Part 3

by Jake Taylor

Aggghh

Today I approached a small group of straight guys I know who were standing and talking. I felt scared to death, but I did it anyway. It brought up some of the typical rejection neurosis that is typical of myself (and a surprisingly large proportion of gay men).

After approaching them, I felt all sorts of typical emotions. Since it happened just today, the feelings are fresh enough in my mind to describe.

When I was standing in that group, surrounded by these young guys, I had the feeling that they are "in the know", they are accepted and part of some sort of clique that I am excluded from. When I approach them I feel uncomfortable as though I am an outsider, intruding on their privacy and violating their exclusive group. They have in-jokes, private quips and familiarities that I am ignorant of, which make me feel all the more different, excluded, and inferior.

It's like being back in school. I'm not part of the gang. They're the cool kids who hang around together, and I'm just the excluded guy who wishes to be accepted by them, but never is and ends up feeling excluded, ultimately made to feel inferior.

Of course, I'm doing what I should not be doing, according to therapists. For a start, I'm blaming myself, thinking that I am at fault somehow for being excluded and supposedly unacceptable. My mind cannot even consider the idea that perhaps I am just as good as they are and, at least on the outside, I appear to be no different than they are. If they really do exclude me and do things to make me feel inferior, then it is they who are at fault for being so childish and impolite. On the other hand, of course, I can be blamed for at least one thing: I'm so hyper-sensitive, it seems, to rejection, that the smallest most insignificant thing can appear to be a huge put-down -- especially from another male.

After I left the conversation, I felt an overwhelming inferiority and as though there was no way I could fit in with such guys. I felt as though there is no point in trying to - I can never match up to them! I may as well stop trying to talk to them, stop taking an interest in what they like. I can never be as good as they are, I'm hopelessly inferior. But of course, I recalled, that is classic defensive detachment!! I'd just be giving up, in order to protect myself.

I know I've written about this at length before, so it's obviously something I have made little progress in overcoming. I think I know what the main topic of conversation will continue to be with my new therapist. This is something I need to overcome. I simply cannot go on having this crippling inferiority and feeling of rejection from other males!

Acting

My new therapist has given me some homework to do for the coming week. One of the things I have to do is make a mental list of all the qualities I see in men I know (including those that intimidate me) which I want to have. Then, I must choose a social situation in which I "act" out that ideal personality, like an actor on a stage. I must personify all those qualities in my performance.

This is not something she wants me to do on a regular basis. Only once or twice this week as an experiment. She said that she wants to discover how it will make me feel.

In small doses I've started doing that over the last few days. If only for a few moments, I've put on my actor persona, and pretended to be the guy I want to be. And what sort of guy do I want to be? Well, I 'pretend' to be confident, friendly, more brave when it comes to speaking up, and more relaxed around other guys. That's certainly how I'd like to be.

The interesting thing is, though, that when I start pretending I often forget I am just acting, and my confident, friendly, braver, and relaxed character persists. Today I tried it out again with an everstraight male friend of mine, and I just started to get even more confident and outspoken. I also had a really good time! It felt a little bit liberating.

I suspect that, perhaps, she was expecting me to have that reaction. That putting on the false-front would give me the confidence to act the way I really want to act. I would show myself that being that sort of person is not dangerous and will not lead to rejection or humiliation. Therefore, I can continue to act the way I really want to without fear continuing to hold me back.

Perhaps I already am the person I want to be. I just need to get over these issues so I can fully "come out" as the authentic heterosexual young man that I really am.

My therapy session

I entirely forgot to write a new entry talking about my therapy session! Anyway, it was very good. I don't know how, but we ended up talking a lot about how my mother has raised me into a "good little boy".

This is a continuation of my therapists efforts to heal my irrational fear of other males and my persistent feelings of not matching up to other guys.
I couldn't fully describe how meaningful the session was without describing in minute detail my entire childhood, but needless-to-say she gave me a few phrases which sum up my experiences. She said of my mother, "she couldn't raise you into a girl, so she raised you to be obedient." That's a loaded statement, and as I said, you will not understand the significance of that unless you knew of my entire past history (or had a very similar childhood).

My therapist could also see how my mother and grandmother not only failed to encourage me to be a real boy, but instilled in me the same fears and resentment of maleness they had harbored. They certainly did instill in me a desire to be a good little boy around them, not be troublesome, and to show that I'm not like "those rough youths", as well as despise my alcoholic father and always-in-trouble older brother.
Of course, this is only part of the picture, and it didn't make me gay. It took a helluva lot more things than that. If it weren't for the other experiences, attitudes, and self-labeling, then I would have turned out perfectly straight.

This is just one of the many foundation stones that is currently being chipped away.

Girls and stuff

I was walking home from work today when it suddenly struck me how ordinary this heterosexuality lark has become. I've mentioned this before, but this is the first time I've really forgotten all about it for such a long period of time.

Because my therapy has progressed so much I often forget that I am undergoing any therapy. I mean, walking down the street in the warm sunshine and admiring nice girls that pass by has become a routine of life. I can't imagine how life could be without it.

Also, another change: when in a group of persons (at work, or wherever) I could easily talk to any women in the group. Talking to guys would be perhaps a little difficult, or with some men, impossible. However being able to have a friendly chat with a group of women or girls would be easy. My male friends have actually envied my ability to talk to girls and make friends easily with them. Yet now, a change has occurred. For some reason I am now finding it difficult to talk to girls. It's almost as though I can't think of what to say - I simply don't quite know how to relate to them. In certain situations, this forces me to speak to guys instead - because I feel more comfortable with them!! That's a major change for me.

So I guess these are all good signs. Tonight I went out with my friend whom I've been going to the gym with regularly (I felt a bit awkward when he went out the room for a little while and I had to talk to his wife - I simply can't talk to women anymore!). Actually, I said "friend" but I'm still too afraid to call him a friend. It's too risky. I don't want to call him a friend or think of him as a friend, because that's making me too vulnerable. He may let me down, and I can't trust him. I still can't figure out why he hasn't rejected me yet.

Evidently, defensive detachment is still somewhat an issue for me.

Comfortable

This is strange. I'm starting to become easily comfortable around other guys and entirely accepted and "in the know" by them.

Specifically, the guys at work. Any feelings of inferiority have dropped away, and exact "sameness" and "nothing special" feelings have arisen.
Trying to sneak a quick look at a nice girl sitting opposite me on the train (without seeming like I'm perving on her) is common.

Actually, I'm still wondering exactly what is proper behavior in that regard. I don't know, it's all new to me. I'm assuming it is grossly impolite to look at a girl in a "I'm admiring your physique" sort-of way.

Though I'm sure some girls would enjoy it. I guess that depends on what they think about me.

Ex-Gay is OK

I was reading something somewhere yesterday that former homosexuals such as myself are really straight. It's the same tired old argument of "gays can't change", which is not only disproved by research done as far back as Alfred Kinsey's time, but is complete bollocks from a psychological point-of-view.

The argument is set up so men such as myself can't win. If you say you no longer feel anything for guys, they'll first say:

1) You're fooling yourself, and you're really gay but "in denial".
But when it is too obvious that the guy really does have diminished homosexual feelings and/or increased heterosexual feelings, they may say:

2) You were always straight and were never gay. That's why you're straight now. Despite, of course, the fact that guys such as myself have experienced gay sex and fallen "in love" with other men, often without any romantic feelings toward women. So if that fails to convince they use the final argument:

3) You've always been bi-sexual but are leaning on the straight side more. This is an insult to my intelligence. I'm not stupid and I knew what I was and what I felt. I was not bi-sexual. Besides, bi-sexuals cannot "lean on" any particular side. Sexual feelings are spontaneous: they appear when flicking through a magazine, seeing a girl in the street, an advert on television, a scene in a movie, and a photo in a newspaper. None of those things can be prepared for. Sexual desire object choice is an instinct, and while it can be modified, it cannot be controlled.

The reason men such as myself claim to have had a shift in sexual desires is simply because we've had a shift in sexual desires. It is by no means 100% heterosexuality, but it is a shift. Change is always possible, especially for those who go though therapy properly.

My genes made me do it

"Science has proved it's genetic you know!" said a gay man to me.
After investigating such claims for many years, I've decided that the famous biological studies are flawed.

No one, anywhere, at any time has ever "proved" that homosexuality is directly caused by your genes. You may be thinking "well, I remember something said in the news a while back..." Yes, there have been many 'discoveries' reported in the media. However, can we really believe everything the media says? They have actually, sometimes against the wishes of the scientists, reported all of these discoveries incorrectly. The media do not tell you about the times such studies have been contradicted, disproved, withdrawn, or denied in later years (which most have been).

Let's mention a famous one. Dr. Hamer and his gay gene study. The media claimed he had discovered the actual genes that cause homosexuality. But what did Dr. Hamer actually say? He said: "We knew... that genes were only part of the answer. We assumed the environment also played a role in sexual orientation". Indeed, seven of the forty gay brothers he studied did not have the "gay" genetic pattern, but were gay anyway. This is not the impression the media gave.

Other things the media don't talk about: the mathematical formulae that Dr. Hamer used wasn't used correctly. The man who invented the formulae, Dr. Risch, re-examined Dr. Hamer's data and claimed there was no statistically significant correlation in the genes. Yet another scientist, Dr. McGuire of Rutgers University also recalculated the data. He said the entirely wrong test had been applied, and there was still no statistical significance! He said the chances of Hamer's calculations being correct was far from a certainty - but at 10,000 to 1!

Another blow came when a research assistant to Dr Hamer accused him of deliberately withholding evidence that invalidated the study. An investigation was launched, but unfortunately the outcome was never made public. Dr Hamer, with others, then held another study. This time the results were even less impressive than before. Dr. Neil Whitehead says of it: "Hamer's particular genetic effect might affect about five percent of the homosexual population... environmental influences could be argued to account for the homosexuality of the other 95 percent."

Of course, I also must mention that another scientist, Dr. George Ebers of the University of Western Ontario, tried to confirm Hamer's study and failed. In fact, he used over 400 families in his study, whereas Hamer used only 40.

There are, of course, other studies. All of which have been distorted by the media. My particular favorite is the so-called "Gay Brains" study done by Dr. Simon LeVay. I like that study because even he himself denies that it proved anything, yet the gay lobby still uses it as "proof"!

Silly habit

Occasionally I find myself with an annoying habit when watching television, driving, or walking in the park. If I notice a group of people, or perhaps a couple walking together, I look at the guy first - with the expectation that he may be good-looking. The annoying thing is, though, that I am always disappointed, because I just don't find guys attractive anymore. So it becomes a constant stream of "he's nothing special", "what a freak", and "meh...". A running line of disappointment!

Sometimes it becomes annoying in that I miss good-looking girls by looking instead at some worthless bloke. Like when driving in my car, if we pass a group of young people, my friend may remark "did you see her? she was hot!" followed by me cursing under my breath because I spent those few seconds driving past on examining the males there, seeing how they compare to myself, and they're always unremarkable. In other words, I missed the opportunity to look at a remarkably nice girl!

Okay, that's not exactly a major problem, and it doesn't always happen. Most of the time I'm rather quick to look at a girl first and entirely ignore any guys there. It's just occasionally I catch myself examining every man in sight and being somehow surprised that none of them are "dishy"!

Geez, what a surprise! That couldn't be because I'm not gay anymore could it?! Silly little habits die hard.

Thinking about...

There is this girl at work who I get on with really well. She makes me laugh SO much, it's unbelievable. We joke that we should be separated because we spend so much time laughing that it prevents us from getting any work done!

What is quite interesting about this is that I'm relating to her in an entirely different way. I don't know if I can describe this very well, but when I was in school (and other situations where I had to work around girls) I would be friends with the girls in a sense of "being on their level." I would somehow relate to them as if I was one of them, and not as though I was of a different gender. I suppose you could say I became a girl!

Anyways, now it's different, I continue to act like a guy when around girls, and I don't modify my behavior to fit in with them. So, getting back to the point, I've been laughing and joking with this girl a lot and I've really been enjoying her company. Even to the point of thinking about her outside of work, like I am now.

Physically, she's not a supermodel, but she is not bad-looking either. I still think she looks good though. It's silly, I know, I barely know her and I've never even spoken to her outside of work. I'll probably look back on this in a few months and think "what a retard, I can't believe I liked her that way!"

But anyways, I think she is absolutely great. I very much like her personality and I don't think I've gotten on so well with anyone for a long time. I was thinking of changing my shift-pattern, but I'd rather remain where I am to stay on the same team as her.

Hang on a minute... am I, me, Jake, for the first time ever getting a slight infatuation with a girl??? In that case break out the beer and let's party because that is absolutely bloody amazing!!!

Come out?

It seems that despite the enormity of my progress, I still have some way to go when it comes to some temptations. On the one hand, gay porn is no temptation whatsoever, yet on some occasions I feel like the only way to "centre oneself" is via a quick, sexual encounter with another man.
Don't misunderstand, I'm not sleeping with guys.

For example, last night I watched the fantastic 2-4 England victory over Croatia in the pub (and it seems that all of my inhibitions surrounding football seems to have evaporated). After that great night a former work colleague txt'ed me. A whining gay bloke who's very fat and somewhat camp. He said he was lonely. In times past he has marveled at me, claimed to admire me very much (the gay drawing-the-other-guy-closer routine), and said he always enjoyed our conversations.

Anyways, I replied saying I was far too tired to go see him, and besides, I'd had too much to drink to even contemplate driving.

Nevertheless, he persisted. Eventually I got sick of him and simply turned my phone off so he would get the message!

However, I then sat down in the living room to relax, thinking of all the things I had done that day and that I need to do tomorrow. When I thought "...and tomorrow morning it's up for work!" I immediately thought about acting out. The little boy needed the reassuring arms of a man to help him face the big world tomorrow.

I almost called that guy back to arrange a meet. Yikes. That's a close-call. So tonight I decided I had to do something about it. I txt'ed my mentor (who for the sake of simplicity we'll call Russell) and asked to speak to him, providing he wasn't busy, and if it wasn't convenient it could be just on the phone.

You may be able to see my defensive-detachment coming out there. I couldn't believe that he would actually be interested enough in me to think that talking to me wasn't some kind of huge bother.

But as usual, my fears are proved wrong as he replied, "sure, come over now". What he was really saying, without him realizing it, was "I care about you" and "you are not bothering me".

Anyways, I talked to him about how I've been feeling somewhat despondent and lonely recently, and how I've felt as though my therapy has been progressing well, yet I still had that close-call.

As usual Russell was very compassionate and listened intently. He didn't mind when (to my surprise) I started crying as I told him how helpless I was feeling. We talked for quite a while, all the time Russell being as compassionate and listening intently as usual. I started to feel better.

After a while I felt we had talked the issue through, and it was time to go, so I got up to leave. Before I left the room he asked me "do you feel a bit better now?" to which I said yes. Then he asked, "Are you (really) going to be alright?" To which I welled up again in tears and shook my head. He got me to sit down again so we could talk some more and get my emotions out.

We then came to an unusual conclusion: that I should be more open and honest about my SSA and therapy. I should, for want of another expression, come out of the closet.

That may sound bizarre. But I strongly believe it is the right thing for me to do. I have many good friends, yet very few know of my struggles. I need to expand my support network. "Isolation = Death".

I need to do this. This therapy doesn't just change my sexual desires, but my entire personality. And in many respects I'm still hiding behind a façade and not showing my friends and family the real me. Being open and honest to everyone about my entire struggle (to the best extent possible) will be a major victory for change. I need to come out into the open.

With my new-found resolute desire to shake things up, and expand my support network, I got up to leave. I motioned that I wanted to hug Russell.

And we did. It was probably the best piece of affirmation I've ever had. It wasn't just a quick hug, it was a long "I care about you" hug. Actually, no, it was a "I really, actually, care about you" hug.

I thanked him. He said I could contact him anytime if I needed to talk, or needed some company. He's said that to me for over a year, but this is the first time I actually allowed my heart to believe him.

Before I left he also said, with a compassionate smile, "If you need a cuddle, you just let me know!".

I think I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to allow him into my heart and trust him. I've decided to trust him. I do love him as if he really were my dad. I'll trust him, and I know he won't let me down.

So-called coming out

So... my big "coming out" week has started. I've already started telling some friends that I'm going to start being a lot more open and honest about what's been bothering me over the past few months.

Today I nearly told a mate of mine. The problem with him is that he's only 16 - actually the little brother of a mate of mine who's now married. Despite the age difference, we get on well and his overt heterosexuality is a very good influence on me. We also play a lot of sports together, and I feel like he's my little bro.

So it's a bit of a dilemma when telling him, because I'm not sure if his parents would be happy about us hanging out together. I know I could just keep it secret, but that's not what I want. I don't want any more secrets or worrying about who I talk openly in front of, or worrying about who knows what and who doesn't. I'm getting tired of it.

I hope his folks will be okay with it. It's not like I'm gay anymore anyway!!! If anything, he's more likely to be a bad influence on me!
It turns out that the 15/16 year old teen that delivers the local paper each week is a “rent boy” (!). My friend knew him from his school. Apparently he's out-and-out gay and has been spotted getting into older guys’ cars several times. It is no secret.

God... what a shame. Only 15 or 16, but sleeping around with old men for money! And he lives in an affluent area - he doesn't need to do it for the money. What a poor kid. I feel so sorry for him. What a terrible life he will have. A true waste. A gay man of 20 has a 50% chance of getting AIDS by the time he's 30. Imagine what risks that poor boy is running.

But then I remembered: I was that boy. At his age I wanted to be a rent boy. I did have some anonymous sexual encounters. I would have loved it if I had had more. But, oh my, what a terrible and heart-wrenching life it would have been. Devoid of all love, constantly being abused for other's benefit, and receiving cold hard cash instead of a father's warm love.
Poor lad. My heart really goes out to him.

I hate to sound like a woman, but: What a waste!

Aggh: I've become my dad

My dad is an avid reader. He literally goes through two or three books a week. Usually these books are autobiographies, books about politics, ancient history, or dull old-men type books on various subjects. He’s rarely seen without a book. As the in-the-house-but-might-as-well-not-be type of father, who hides away in his own room reading or watching TV most of the time, the only time I ever really see him is when he's sitting at the kitchen bench eating his meals (while, of course, reading a book).

I always used to snarl my nose at him when seeing that. "Stupid" dad with his "boring old books", sitting there, scoffing down his putrid crap that he'd made himself, while his eyes dart about a page from a book of the story of some other old man who is long dead. Not interested in me, not even twitching as I enter the room; cannot be distracted by my presence. He just sits there eating as he reads his book.

Anyways... today I was reading Nicolosi's book on prevention of homosexuality. Unless I'm getting it confused with something else I've read recently, I remember something being said on a boy needing to want to emulate his father.

Hmmm... How would I ever want to emulate my father, I asked myself. That boring old fart.

This evening, I go into the kitchen to make myself something to eat. I notice my dad has left one of his books on the bench. It's written by a British politician (I won't say who because none of you will know who it is, most people in the UK don't even know who he is, but both my dad and me know him). It's about the various controversies in British politics that have raged over the past decade or so. The sort of thing that would send most people to sleep. Although just the sort of thing I like reading about.
I make my meal.

Sit down on the same stool my dad sits on.
Open the book.
Start to read, while eating my dinner.
Find the book very interesting.
Totally ignore everyone who has come and gone in the room.
Get through half a chapter before finishing my meal.
Suddenly realize something: I am my fathers' son!!!
Agghghhhhh

Told another mate

Last night I told my childhood friend (who we'll call Dave) and his wife about my SSA/Therapy. Wow! They were so supportive, I could barely believe it!

I've known this guy since, well, since forever. We used to be very close, but due to my defensive-detachment, I kept fighting him off me during my teenage years. But despite that, he's kept the lines of communication open.

I managed to tell them about me by, ironically, telling them about someone else and their attempts at changing their feelings using therapy. So after starting a good conversation about that, I managed (eventually) to build up the courage to say, "I mention this because I've been in reparative therapy myself". To which Dave's wife smiled and said "Excellent!"

Dave's wife kept asking me questions about it, while Dave tended to sit there quietly. That wasn't because he wasn't interested; on the contrary, he has always said to me that it doesn't matter, he's my friend and that's all that matters. A very accepting guy. He did say something occasionally, always to agree with what his wife and I were saying, and to say that he is always available if ever I want to talk to him.
They were both very pleased for me, and actually said 'well done, it must have taken a lot of courage'.

In addition, when you open yourself up with some very personal things, the person you're speaking to tends to do the same. I found out a lot about Dave and his wife last night that I never knew. Including some very difficult times that he went through, but I was thoroughly unaware of. I wish I had been there for him.

The relief after telling them was enormous. It felt great. Talk about 'a problem shared is a problem halved'!

I sent a quick e-mail to Dave last night just to thank him for being such a good friend. I think last night can be summed up in the reply he sent me this morning:
"Anytime. All you have to do is talk to us, and we'll listen. That's what friends do."

She's hot

You know the phrase "treat the underlying causes, and the homosexuality takes care of itself"? Well, how true that is!

Recently I've been watching a TV show for kids/teenagers. Why? There's this young woman presenter who is, for want of a better expression, hot. I mean, really, really nice.

I just can't help myself!! I was watching it this morning and, woah, I loved what she was wearing, it really made her look nice. Every time the camera panned out and I got to see a full shot of her I think "cor, blimey!" I've even shown a mate of mine this woman, and he agrees that she's very nice.

It just tingles me all over. She is so hot I can't believe it. I cannot understand how I could never feel this way before. It just feels like the natural thing to feel. I just can't help it.

She's got the figure, a nice face, nice hair, and is always wearing summery-type clothes that really make he look good. She is also very energetic, delicate, and bubbly. Feminine in every respect.

What's the chance of me getting a girlfriend like her? I'm going to keep my hopes up!

It's important to note two things about this. 1) I didn't feel this way when I first saw her, it's been gradual over the past six months. 2) No control or force is involved - I just can't help myself!

This is the first girl I've ever fancied this much. Definitely my strongest heterosexual feelings to date. Treat the underlying causes, and the homosexuality takes care of itself.

Denial denial denial

Has anyone said to you that you're "in denial"? A few gays have said that to me in the past. It's a typical bitchy and effeminate insult that's typical of gay men. It's the equivalent of a child sticking it's tongue out at you. This isn't a surprise, as immaturity and defensiveness is part of the neurotic homosexual complex.

When I was speaking to Dave and his wife the other day, I was telling them how the numerous twin studies prove that homosexuality can't be determined simply by genes because rarely are both twins gay. To this Dave's wife said, "but wouldn't the gay rights people simply say that the non-gay ones are in denial?" I was somewhat taken aback at this, thinking 'well of course they couldn't say that - that would be totally stupid!' But before I said that, I thought for a second, and realized that she's right! No, not that those people really are "in denial", but it is exactly what the gay rights people might believe.

How else could they get around such solid proof?

I had forgotten just how utterly delusional you can get when you're in the gay lifestyle (remember, you not only believe in a gay gene that no legitimate scientist believes in, but also that 600,000,000 people are gay!).
When you're living in such strong denial, it's not much of a leap and a jump to conclude that scientific studies - no matter how many of them - are all heterosexist lies. Some gays really believe that there is some sort of worldwide conspiracy to cover up "the truth" (whatever that may be). And what a conspiracy! No matter what country in the world such studies are made, numbers and stats continue to corroborate. It makes the Roswell-UFO/JFK-assassination/Crop-circle conspiracy theorists look like sane people.

The gay lifestyle is nothing but denial after denial. A mythical gay gene. A nonsense 10% figure. Sexuality being changeable - but only in one direction. "I was born this way." Gay relationships being just as loving as straight ones. Entirely unproven unscientific theories about transsexualism. Suicide rates being high due to "homophobia". Etc etc etc. Denial denial denial.

Dave's wife made another interesting point. I told her that the higher rates of suicide/depression/drug-abuse in the gay community were, supposedly, due to "homophobic oppression". To this she said "You're joking? What oppression?!?!"

Good point. She mustn't appreciate just how much gays really are in denial after all.

“But it didn’t work for me”

Mr. “It doesn't apply to me!” AKA “I'm special!”
This person likes the idea that he is a tragedy, he enjoys living in self-pity, and is unsettled by the concept of him or anyone else receiving Reparative Therapy, since doing so will remove what he perceives to be “special” about him. This person thinks up overly simplistic and ill-informed ideas about why various aspects of the therapy can’t work for him (e.g. “I had a good relationship with my dad, so this can’t possibly work for me!”). Instead of keeping a positive outlook, he entertains every negative attitude, thought, and idea against Reparative Therapy in order that he can sabotage any possible progress that he or anyone else could make in therapy.

Mr. “I’ll try it long enough to prove that it won’t work!”
This person is very similar to the above person in many respects, but his attitude is driven by egotism and the pleasure of proving a point in order to feel superior to others. He may also sabotage his own treatment in order to egotistically say with pride “It didn’t work for me, so it mustn’t work for anyone!” He will not study the therapy to a sufficient depth, and make incorrect assumptions in order to “prove” that it doesn’t work. He may also ridicule others who have changed, believing them to be liars.

Mr. “I’m only doing this because I have to!”
This person is not undergoing Reparative Therapy for the right reasons. His parents/spouse/others may have made him begin treatment, but they continue to be his main (or only) motivation for continuing with it. Because he is not self-motivated, he does things half-heartedly. He does not study properly. He does not understand how the therapy works. He does not do things necessary for treatment. He may callously indulge in homosexual fantasy, sex, or pornography. Because he makes little progress in therapy, he becomes frustrated since he cannot please whoever made him start it initially. This is because he doesn’t want to change for himself, but for the sake of other people.

Mr. “I can’t be bothered!”
This person has read half a Reparative Therapy book, skimmed through the rest of it, and then never opened it again for another six months. He doesn’t feel it necessary to put the required amount of effort into his treatment. He does not do things required by treatment. When his half-hearted attempts at change fail, he honestly believes that he did everything properly, and blames the therapy for his failure (e.g. “well, I did try therapy once, but I guess it just didn’t work for me.”). In actual fact, his homosexual feelings do not bother him enough for him to make any real effort, so he has little motivation for trying to get rid of them.

Mr. “I’ll try it for a month and if I’m not cured, I’ll give up!”
This person does not put any of the sufficient effort into his treatment. He reads one or two books and expects a “cure” to quickly follow overnight. In fact, he expects the treatment to make all the effort – as if it were a form of magic – while he does not make any real effort himself. He does few of the things required by the treatment for change. He has an uncanny ability to entirely ‘miss the point’ of many suggested therapeutic activities (e.g. “I watched a football game on TV, but I’m still attracted to guys! Why isn’t this working?”). He may also abandon his treatment and consider it a failure at the first set-back, even if it is only a slight one.

Mr. “I know what’s best”
This person enthusiastically embraces Reparative Therapy, but believes that he can remove the unsettling aspects of recovery, and still make great progress. Typically, he will keep his problems to himself and avoid doing therapeutic activities which he considers too challenging or too unsettling. He believes that he does not need the help of others, nor the required studying of recommended books and other resources. While he may have good results with the therapy, his progress will not be as dramatic or deeply felt as the progress he would have otherwise.

Because he trusts in his own abilities so much, there is a danger that when a major set-back occurs, he will conclude that the therapy is at fault instead of his own ego-driven half-hearted efforts.

On parade

Today is pride parade day in the capital, London.
Uggghhhh, looking at that on the news makes me feel sick. I mean, why want to be a real man when you can be a prancing effeminate queen wearing tight spandex pants doing simulated sex moves in the street?

Yuck. Their so-called "pride" is a self-deception. It's not really pride, it’s more defiance - a defense against a system of masculinity they feel hopelessly outside of. Inferior, but doesn't care anymore. It's a child sticking its tongue out and saying "nah-nah, I'm better than you!" This is, of course, with the comfort of being around people who understand, as they are also outcasts of masculine society.

If anyone thinks the above comments are "hate speech", think again, Mr. Ignorant. I used to be gay, and anyone who has spent an iota of time in the gay world knows that masculinity is held up above all else as a highly desirable quality. The more masculine-looking guys are always higher up the gay hierarchy, with the femmes right down at the bottom. The femmes are resented and looked down upon. Gay personals ads usually ask for a "straight acting" guy. It's not unusual to hear a gay male say "I hate those prancing effeminate puffs!"

Think about it, gay porno is full of masculine blokes, with many "movies" based on truck drivers, army cadets, policemen, doctors, gang members, mechanics, etc. There is little market for porno of weak, skinny, effeminate guys with high-pitched voices working in a florist. It's rugged good looks, muscles, masculine clothes, power, and strength that is desired. Masculinity is what gay men want more than anything else.
And when you decide to increase your own sense of masculinity (e.g. in therapy), that's when the effeminate ways of some men are all the less appealing. In fact, they're not just unappealing, their actions are repulsive. The mannerisms they have chosen to act out represent everything we are trying to get away from.

Hence, I know its not just heterosexuals who think the gay parades are, well, hideous. Many straight-acting gay men think so too. Parades are just femme blokes, drag queens, and narcissistic muscle-bound blokes (and the only attribute they have of any value in the gay world are their bodies).

Emptiness. Narcissism. Vain. Outrageous. "Look at me! Look at me!!!" Yuck.

Reparative Therapy as Harmful?

It really annoys me when some say that Reparative Therapy is "harmful" - how the hell do they work that out? In the course of my own therapy I have done the following:

1. learned to make more male friends (this is harmful?)
2. had a decrease in depression (this is harmful?)
3. started to feel more confident and less shy (this is harmful?)
4. Improved my relationship with my dad and brother (this is harmful?)
5. started to really enjoy and take an interest in new things, especially sports (this is harmful?)
6. gained an older man as a mentor who is always there for me (this is harmful?)
7. finally understood why I used to do such dangerous things sexually (this is harmful?)
8. started to desire getting a girlfriend (this is harmful?)
9. no longer feel constantly lonely (this is harmful?)
10. no longer feel as inadequate as man, feel more mature (this is harmful?)

How anyone with half a brain cell could possibly think any of that is "harmful" is beyond me.

Could an opposer EXPLAIN how any of the above (which composes my ENTIRE time in Reparative Therapy) is POSSIBLY HARMFUL? Are they STUPID or what?

On the contrary, it is the gay lifestyle that has the high rates of suicide, depression, drug-abuse, disease, violence, and disillusionment (and when you reach age 40 you're thrown on the proverbial scrap-heap).

Bad = good. Good = bad.

So Why is Reparative Therapy harmful?

1. Because it gives people freedom over their own lives. You are allowed to live your own life in the gay rights movement but only as they dictate it to you. You are not allowed to dissent.

2. It dwindles their numbers. Activists need as many people as they can get to claim the gay identity to make sure their "rights" are secured.

3. It proves sexuality is not immutable. The basis of these rights is that sexuality is fixed, you can't go messing up their theory, so what is wrong with you? Thinking and acting for yourself, after all they have done for you -- you must remain loyal always.

4. Because anything positive must be mocked. Marriage, children, love, commitment, things of that nature. Even mental health. To be considered mentally healthy, you must agree to everything gay activists say, gay or not. See, how it works is as long as you believe them and act accordingly you are fine and normal, but once you find out the truth for yourself, you're suddenly a homophobe. Ex-gays are being brainwashed and suffering from internal homophobia because there is no way you are strong enough to break free from homosexuality. That just doesn't happen.

So for all these reasons reparative therapy is harmful -- we can't have people thinking they have control over their emotions, sex drive and sexuality, what kind of crazy world would we live in if people actually chose what to do with their own sexuality? The humanity, talk about utter chaos. People restraining their libidos, not dying early from diseases. People having long marriages, children, oh the sheer humanity of it all. Will someone make it stop?
---------
Courtesy of a writer from defendingtruth.org )

HIV hypochondria

Right now I have two huge white spots on my tongue. Probably just ulcers that'll clear away in a couple of days. It's just that, whenever I get something like that I start panicing. I worry and think I may have HIV (white spots in the mouth/throat are one of the many first symptoms). A totally irrational worry, of course.

It's just that the last time I had sex with a guy (12 months ago now...) I did not get a test afterwards. I got tested before then, and was clear of everything. It's just that one time that has me worried.

I should go and get tested. Put my mind to rest. The worry is driving my crazy...

Good good...

I feel great after going to see my mentor Russell each week. Last night I just felt so good that I decided I didn't want to drive home, so instead I went for a long drive for about 35 miles before going home, blasting music out of the car speakers.

Going for long drives is something I either do to cheer myself up if I'm on the brink of despair, or if I'm feeling really good about myself and confident in every way.

It's quite odd how associating with my substitute dad can give me a shot-in-the-arm of affirmation. It's a bit like gaining muscle mass. If you want to build up muscle, you don't have one massive huge workout once a month. If you do, you will damage your muscles, be in pain, and due to the over intensity your muscles may even shrink! But if you have a little workout on a regular basis, a minimum of once a week, gradually your muscle mass will increase bit by bit.

I guess it's the same with all this male affirmation/acceptance/etc stuff. One injection of masculinity a month won't do it - but small, consistent, and reliable boosts will assist the change process.

Later, I've arranged to help a guy I know with some home improvement. At least I'm spending some time of the day in a male environment, doing male things, with a straight guy, and being one of the guys.

Oh, and those massive ulcers on my tongue have finally cleared up (well... I scraped them off!), so I'm not feeling so stupidly paranoid about having caught HIV! I'll arrange to get tested soon and end this once and for all.

What not to say

This is a list of things that friends/family/pastors/misc. should not do or say in an effort to "help" guys who are struggling with SSA.

It is a little bit negative (I wrote it after being seriously peeved with someone), but it may be beneficial to someone:
..........................
Don't belittle the problem!
I've had many well-intentioned men tell me not to worry, because the problem might "go away" and I might "grow out of it."

This may sound like a reassurance. However, imagine this: You have a terrible red rash all over your body, it hurts so much you want to die, and it's getting worse. Out of pure desperation you go to your doctor for help. However, your doctor says to you "Don't worry, with any luck it might clear up!" Does that really make you feel "reassured"?

How would you feel toward the doctor? Well, I'd feel angry that he could say something so stupid. I'd also be angry that he is belittling my problem and implying it is no real problem at all. I feel so bad I want to die, remember?

Saying "it might go away" or "you might grow out of it" is no reassurance at all. If anything it may make the person feel a whole lot worse. It shows that you think the problem is unimportant, and the person with the problem is made to feel like they are a hypochondriac and should stop drawing attention to themselves. It also makes them feel as though you don't care -- after all, you're not worried about it. You've just said that it "might go away" so you mustn't be too fussed. This also shows the person that you haven't the slightest clue or appreciation for the pain the person is suffering.

The problem is real and not imaginary (remember that homosexually-inclined people are eight(?) times more likely to commit suicide). This is no triviality. And although, yes, it very well "might" go away of its own accord -- but it just might not go away too! So please do not belittle the problem.

Don't interrupt!
Persons with the homosexual condition will have years upon years of angst, stress, problems, and hurt built up inside. The best thing you can do is to listen and allow them to get it all off their chest.

The worst thing you can do is interrupt when they speak. You may not realize it, but when someone has something very important to say, and you interrupt, you're sending signals to that person. You are saying that you don't care. You're not interested in what they have to say -- you're more interested in what you have to say. You don't want to know about their situation because you don't really care about them or their situation.
It's a very upsetting thing when you confide in someone who is supposed to listen but seemingly doesn't want to.

Thankfully I've found many, many, guys who do listen, and do care very deeply. I've found them to be invaluable help to me and I cherish their friendships. However they all do one vital thing -- they all listen without interrupting!

Don't tip-toe around issues!
I've noticed that many people are frightened of using certain words. Words like "homosexual" or "sexuality" or "sex" tend to be avoided at all costs, and issues are tip-toed around instead of being talked about directly.

Personally I find this very annoying. I remember once when I was younger an older man "advised" me for something relating to my homosexuality. However, in the space of one hour he managed to avoid using any word that even hinted at homosexuality. Instead he used vague expressions and alluded to what he was talking about.

Of course, in the end I had no idea what he was getting at. Even when asking him directly what they meant, he was too embarrassed to speak plainly and use the dreaded words. The whole thing was ridiculous!
For the love of sanity, please, please, please don't be afraid of using the "H" word. If you still feel uncomfortable, you could use the abbreviation SSA. his stands for Same Sex Attraction. It is a lot better to say "How is your SSA?" or "How are you coping with your homosexual feelings?" rather than ask "How are your feelings?" or "How is your trouble today?" The former ones get to the point, the latter ones are vague, and I feel they sound belittling.

Don't Avoid or Treat Differently the Person!
This is probably the worst thing you could do. I've had the unpleasant experience of a person avoid and exclude me after being told of my SSA.
Another thing to avoid is comments like "well you wouldn't know about that!" when talking about sports, or girls, or mechanical things, or the like. Also "but you don't get involved with girls, do you?" or "you're not like the other guys." Such comments may seem to be considerate and friendly, but they come across as insulting, belittling and emasculating. Don't do it. Always treat a man as a man, and a woman as a woman.
Don't think or say "snap out of it"!

If someone told you they have diabetes and are feeling very ill, would you then say or think something along the lines of "oh come on, surely you can just snap out of it!" Of course not. However, some individuals do think that when presented with another's homosexual problem.

Homosexuality is a deeply-rooted problem and never disappears overnight. If you think or say such a thing, it is a shocking display of just how little you understand the situation. It is also a terrible insult to the person's dignity. The person may have been struggling with the problem for many years -- experiencing levels of stress and anxiety far worse than you ever have -- and yet you show no concern or sympathy, simply brushing the problem aside like some trivial matter. Homosexuality is not just a mood -- you cannot just "snap out of it!" What an insulting, uncaring and callous attitude to have!

Religion

Okay, I knew this day would come so I think I'll just get it over with.
Anyways... when I started change therapy, I did not have a religion, nor a faith, nor a personal relationship with God, nor anything like that. So, most of my therapy didn't have any religious motivation.

But early in this year, I did join a religion! (shock, horror!)

So why haven't I mentioned it before? It is simply that homosexuality is primarily a medical condition that is psychological in nature. It has been mapped out by psychologists and can be treated with psychotherapy. You cannot use religious faith as a magic trick, nor as a medical treatment.

Does my religion give me an incentive to keep up the change process? I suppose - but not much of one. I'm sure that if I abandoned religion I would still keep up the change process. After all, I pursued change before I had a religion, didn't I?

Normally, people do it the other way around - they embrace change because they have a religion. I, on the other hand, embraced religion because I had experienced change. I just had to be different, didn't I!! )
Some persons may disagree with me, but I do not believe that trusting in divine powers alone will change the sexuality of anyone. I am not mocking the faith of others, however. It is simply that homosexuality is a primarily a medical condition that is psychological in nature. It has been mapped out by psychologists and can be treated with psychotherapy.
Religion is an immense source of wonderful encouragement to many persons undergoing Reparative Therapy; however, you cannot use religious faith as a magic trick, nor as a medical treatment, so it will not treat you. For measurable change to occur, such efforts must be accompanied by a proper psychotherapeutic treatment.

One time I read an ex-gay message board run by a Christian ministry. I was shocked to see how some questions posted were replied to with entirely irrelevant information. For example, one man (who was obviously very distraught) asked a question which could be easily answered by quoting from one of the Reparative Therapy books published by psychologists. However, at least on this particular board, the only replies the man got were encouragement to "trust in the Lord Jesus Christ"! Medically speaking, entirely useless replies. The man had obviously been doing that already -- why else would he be rejecting the gay lifestyle and looking for help from a Christian ministry? -- so nothing was said to help the poor man with his problem.

Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to go to the doctor after contracting a terrible rash, and hearing him tell you, "just trust in the Lord, and it might clear up"?

Using spirituality alone to treat a psychological (medical) issue does not make sense. I do not hire a plumber to do my garden, I do not hire a joiner to fix my taps, and I do not hire an electrician to fit new windows. Psychological problems, like homosexuality, should primarily be treated with psychotherapy. However, I am not dismissing the huge support, encouragement, affirmation, and resources that Religion can offer to strugglers.

Cheesy does it!

I've noticed a common theme among guys who first enter Reparative Therapy (or any effort at change), or try leaving the "gay" lifestyle. They desperately want to stop masturbating and looking at pornography.

So what is my own experience with masturbation and pornography?
Well, personally speaking I can say that the desire to do such things dwindles as therapy progresses. I've heard other guys say that too. It's not until you stop wanting to look at porn and masturbate so much that you realize just how much of a compulsion it really was.

So preventing myself from looking at porn is a simple thought to myself of "no, I'll stop here. I won't do that." Whereas before it was, "oh why can't I stop doing this!?!?"

So, in a nutshell: therapy does make avoiding masturbation and porn easier. For the most part, eventually you'll simply forget about it. You simply won't need to avoid the problem - because you won't have the problem.

Bad life

How awful the gay life really is.

Today I was in town to look at a gallery I wanted to see, and bumped into an old work colleague of mine, and like most of the men where I used to work, is gay as can be. Anyways, he still works there so I just had to ask him how awful and bad the place had got since I left (not because of me leaving, but because the place is a farce). Sure enough, its still gawd-awful.

Anyways, in the course of the conversation he mentioned his "ex". I haven't been taking my therapy very seriously recently, so I took the opportunity to learn a bit more about how 'gay' his life has been.

And oh how gay men can talk! And talk and talk and talk. He told me everything - I opened the floodgates of the heavens! He told me about practically all of his past boyfriends (very numerous).

Throughout everything he told me there was several running themes: drugs, crime, break-ups, unfaithfulness, disease, and suicide. It was like listening to some sort of very depressing soap opera. He had lost three former lovers to suicide, while the others had betrayed him. Now he complains that he has "no friends", and those he does know are people he had met on the Internet. This guy is in his mid thirties, I guess, and seems "well adjusted" to the gay life. He said he enjoys it. But what kind of life is that?

Everything he said sounded so typical. One of the more striking things that came out of what he was saying seemed to be the amount of mental problems - specifically the "neurotic" aspects - in himself and all his former friends and lovers.

Talking to that guy today - and I talked for quite a while - has been one of the most profound experiences I've had in this journey away from homosexuality. The gay life is so worthless and destroys so many men, who could really achieve something and be real men with real lives and real futures.

I feel so sorry for him. I really do. He is trapped, but I have been set free from that psychological prison. I didn't think it possible, but I am even more convinced and determined to never lead a so-called "gay" life. Thank God for therapy!

Night out

Ah... I had a good night tonight, therapy-wise. I've spent all afternoon and evening with my best buddies out on the town. They know of my SSA, so it was a guys-only, freedom-of-speech, partially rowdy night. Great stuff.

They used to have nights like that all the time, but they never invited me because I was such a "good little boy". Silly really, considering that it's not like they would always get plastered (drunk) and steal traffic cones and place them on top of bus stops, like I see others do in my town.
But anyway, tonight after a brief phone call of "I'm bored, you fancy doing something?" a night was quickly arranged.

Wow... how's that for progress? A whole night out with alcohol, sports, and me thoroughly enjoying every minute of it. And absolutely no feeling of inferiority, feeling different, or feeling the outsider. No intimidation from anyone. And tonight we even started to arrange us all going away for the weekend to London for a brief stint of Covent Garden music. That'll be great - I've never had a holiday with straight guys before.

What a great night. Healthy doses of male affirmation, attention, and all that. No more gay junk food for me, this healthy stuff is actually satisfying. I'm kinda lucky, really. But I've had these friends for aaaages but never really took advantage of this.

Be true to thineself

"Changing your sexuality is denying your true self" is a common phrase. It is really your true self? If it is, then it shouldn't be caused by stresses and problems in childhood. The amount of statistical evidence to support the idea that homosexuality is caused by environment in childhood is overwhelming. There is bucket-loads of it!

People assume that all of this data must, surely, have been disproved. Nope. It hasn't. In fact, it continues to be confirmed. The reason you don't hear about it is because it's simply ignored, kept quiet, and oppressed.

Here are the more common things effecting gay men in early life (these are simply common - NOT all gay men have all the typical symptoms - in fact, some gay men have NONE of them, but many do):

Gender Nonconformity. Avoiding competition and rough-and-tumble play with other boys. Feeling intimidated and rejected by other boys. He misses much of the bonding and companionship with other males that helps form his own confident masculinity. His father didn't encourage him in masculine pursuits, for whatever reasons. This is called gender-identity deficit. He is an outsider, the "kitchen-window boy" who looks out the window at other boys playing while he is kept separate from them in the home with mother.

Sensitivity. Takes criticisms very personally, and is easily hurt. He detaches from other boys due to fear of being hurt (either physically or emotionally). He avoids typical "rites-of-passage" into manhood.
Introspection. May be obsessed with being different, and special. The "good little boy".

Relationship with Dad. Gay men have a painful longing for the affection they wish their fathers had given them. Unlike heterosexual men who may look back on a bad father with regret, gay men look back with scorn and bitterness. The father was either abusive, or just seemed uninterested. One report said "There is not a single even moderately well-controlled study that we have been able to locate in which male homosexuals refer to father positively or affectionately."

Relationship with Mom. A close-binding and overly dependant relationship between mother and son is common. The gay son may be mom's friend. He feels better understood by her, yet the relationship is ambivalent. He feels both angry and appreciative toward her. He may collude with her against the father. He may need to feel sorry for his mother and give her the emotional support that she would normally get from her husband.

Peer Isolation. Because of upbringing, the boy doesn't feel as comfortable around his own peer group. He is "different" and may suffer from extreme loneliness. On the other hand, he may have lots of friends and be very popular, but fails to truly connect with his peers and doesn't feel like "one of the guys".

Early Sex Abuse. Some studies support the claim that sexual molestation is more common among gay men than heterosexual men.
Eroticization of Emotional Needs. Every boy needs male role models and to develop his own masculinity. But if he is cut off from the world of men, defensively detached from them (for fear of being hurt), his desire for masculinity will be eroticized during adolescence. Dr. Jeffrey Satinover, a reparative therapist, says: "When puberty sets in, sexual urges — which can attach themselves to any object, especially in males — rise to the surface and combine with his already intense need for masculine intimacy and warmth. He begins to develop homosexual crushes." Via homosexual sex or fantasy, he "cannot help admit that the relief is immense. This temporary feeling of comfort is so profound that the experience is powerfully reinforced... Soon homosexual activity becomes the central organizing factor in his life as he slowly acquires the habit of turning to it regularly — not just because of his original need for fatherly warmth and love, but to relieve anxiety of any sort."

By the way, there are a huge number of surveys conducted all across the world which support the above facts. See the NARTH website and www.narth.com and books such as Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality or Straight and Narrow? for references.

After studying Reparative Therapy to great depth, I have been able to trace the development of my own homosexuality. I have no shadow of a doubt in my mind that I have developed homosexuality in childhood. I know why. I know how. I know why I am gay (and I don't think it's much to do with my genes).

Misc. stuff today

Ages ago on one of the People Can Change support boards, a man posted the following info. I recorded it because I thought it was neat.
I'm afraid I can't remember who wrote it, so kudos to you, whoever you are:

Ten Reasons Homosexuality Never Works:
1. It provides masculinity through femininity.
2. It is like curing a disease with the same disease.
3. It is a small, narcissistic victory through a big defeat.
4. It provides intimacy with a man, but destroys manhood.
5. It provides a relief of the anxiety of merging into the phallic mother, but it strengthens the tie to the mother even more.
6. It provides physical incorporation of another man's male sexual organ, but destroys the psychological internalization of one's own male identity.
7. It is an artificial means for self-esteem regulation, but it destroys one's own self-esteem.
8. It gives the illusion of being accepted by other men, but it increasingly estranges a man from the circle of men who are not gay.
9. It is a way to express repressed anger and aggression, but it makes a man more passive every time.
10. It avoids conflicts with other men, but it does this through surrendering and losing.

Continued -- Read Part 4