Yes, It's Her Life
Tolerance for Everyone
Another prominent lesbian who has fallen in love with a man is psychotherapist JoAnn Loulan. Loulan has appeared on the Oprah show and on ABC’s “20-20” program to talk about this change. Loulan’s story follows, in some detail.
“Lesbian sexpert JoAnn Loulan falls in love with a man,” blares a headline in The Advocate (see the front cover for the 2-18-97 issue). As a “lesbian” psychotherapist, Loulan had done a definitive study of over 1500 lesbians (published as Lesbian Passion). Let gay newspaper The Advocate, tell the story:
“She’s long been considered a leading authority on lesbian sex, having penned what many consider the definitive sexual handbooks for lesbians. She’s been on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Donahue, and Geraldo. As a respected therapist, she’s lectured at the medical school of the University of California, San Francisco, as well as throughout the country. For 22 years she’s been an in-your-face gay rights activist, serving on the board of directors for the National Center for Lesbian Rights for a time. But now she’s done something more controversial than being a pioneer in the arena of lesbian lovemaking -- JoAnn Loulan is making love to a man. ‘I know that to others—and to myself, in some respects, part of this feels like I’m cavorting with the enemy,’ Loulan says. ‘What can I say? It doesn’t feel like this particular person is the enemy. But I also understand that I have broken one of our lesbian cultural Taboos.’” (The Advocate, 2-18-97, pg. 41)
What happened to JoAnn? Lesbian psychotherapist Jackie Black (a regular columnist for the Lesbian News magazine) gives her opinion:
“Lesbian therapist and advice columnist, Jackie Black
says she has counseled a number of self-identified lesbians who
found themselves in relationships with men under a variety of
different circumstances. ‘Sexuality is not static—it’s fluid,’ says
Black, who believes that Loulan may have simply grown into another
aspect of herself. ‘All of JoAnn’s writings implore us to live our
passions, to tell the truth about who we are. She says that whoever
we are is OK, and I think that’s what she’s doing. Her passion has
taken her in a different direction at this time in her life. She has
the courage to risk being judged probably very harshly.’” (The
Advocate, 2-18-97, pg. 42)
There has been a range of reactions to Loulan’s newfound attraction to men. Excerpts of several letters to the editor of The Advocate follow:
- “If you’re a dyke, you’re a dyke, and if you’re a breeder, then stop lying about it—and stop insulting my intelligence. Count this lesbian among Loulan’s ex-fans.” (The Advocate, 3-18-97, p.5)
- ”If we vilify JoAnn Loulan for following (we presume) her heart into a relationship with a man, then we are truly no better than those people in our own lives who sought to oppress or harm us as we went through our own coming-out processes. JoAnn, do what makes you happy. I for one will respect you as a friend to our community either way.” (Ibid. pg. 4)
- ”JoAnn Loulan, goddess of lesbian sex, dating a man—is nothing sacred? Actually, anyone who writes a book with a hot pink cover and the word LESBIAN on it in big, bold print can’t be all that bad, no matter whom she dates. Now, if Martina starts dating men…” (Ibid.)
But the most interesting response comes from Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, founders of the earliest lesbian organization, “Daughters of Bilitis,” and who are authors of several books on lesbianism and are lesbian activists:
“Loulan expressed anxiety over how her lesbian fans would react to the news that she is dating a man. Count us in the ‘So what?’ category. In the introduction to our book Lesbian/Woman we stated that a lesbian is a woman whose primary erotic, psychological, emotional, and social interest is in her own sex, even though that interest may not be overtly expressed. By her own statement, ‘I’m not into men. My culture is really lesbian- and woman-identified,’ Loulan still qualifies. One of the problems we have encountered in various lesbian groups is setting rigid codes of behavior, dress, and roles. We did not rebel against the heterosexual conformity of women’s roles only to be saddled with conformist notions of what it is to be a lesbian. Over the years we have fought for choice, for individuality, and for being who we really are. To us, JoAnn, you are a lesbian leader in the field of sex education. With passion, humor, and sensitivity, you have given lesbians across the country the right to their own sexuality. To your critics we say, ‘It’s your turn to give back.’” (Ibid., pg. 4)
Denial and Anger
Some gays have become upset by such revelations of sexual fluidity: “While Holliman seems to be amused by the reactions to her bisexual behavior, JoAnn Loulan isn’t. When Loulan, a longtime lesbian activist and the author of Lesbian Sex, became involved with a man and decided to talk about it, she subsequently received a great deal of criticism from other lesbians. (On Oprah she jokingly called her relationship ‘deviant behavior’).” (The Advocate, 6-24-97, pg. 33)
Jan Clausen also received an angry reaction from some in the gay community-- “After 12 years in a lesbian marriage, Jan Clausen fell in love with a man. Since her identities as writer and lesbian were intertwined, all hell broke loose. Clausen’s books are yanked off college reading lists. She loses friends, community, and status. One feels sympathy for a good writer ostracized from the culture she helped create. ‘Leaving a woman for a man,’ she muses, ‘is still the lesbian equivalent of a mortal sin.’ Nevertheless, Clausen’s tone is evenhanded. Nowadays she believes that sexuality is fluid; she refuses to label herself lesbian, straight, or bisexual. She writes: ‘Who I am is not a noun, but a narrative.’” (The Advocate, 4-27-99, pg. 8
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