Hug your daughter today

A little about myself……………

I am 33 years old cat, have one cat named Beast, and no House plants. I don't label myself as gay or lesbian, but to the general population, that is just a matter of my choice of label. But then I started reading the book Coming out of Homosexuality (which I found very helpful). I went to the PFOX group. I spent hours on the computer looking up websites of Ex-gays and I made sure to erase everything off daily so that my mom wouldn't see the sites I had been to. At the time I didn't realize it, but apparently I was pretty unbearable to live with.

Upon leaving Florida almost a year ago, I moved back in with my parents. I am coming home from work about the same time that my mom is heading off to work. One August morning she was telling me some pretty emotionally charged stuff going on in her life and my dad had stormed out of the house and driven off somewhere. She said, " I bet you didn't expect to hear this for breakfast."

And I said, "Do you want to hear my breakfast news?" This moment in time will forever be etched in my mind. She was reaching for a glass, her back to me, and she froze. Her head nodded slightly and I began telling her of my same sex attractions (SSA). I began to cry and she turned around and was listening to me. I told her about the ex-gay books I was reading and things like that. She came over to me and said, "I still love you." And then she had to head off to work.

Even though I had never really planned on telling her, I had hit rock bottom and couldn't stand the hidden nature of what was going on. There was no room for hiding anymore. She actually took it very well. At that time, the woman that I was attracted to and I were taking a "fast" from each other. It wasn't a total cut off of communication, but there was very little emailing and no phone calls. This woman had just moved away which made it a little easier, but the residual attraction was still there. Our "romantic" relationship ended permanently shortly after that. We are friends now and there is no sexual attraction between us now.

Every once in a while my mom and I will talk about my SSA and she asks me questions about it. Sometimes I don't want to discuss things with her. Sometimes she wants answers and I don't have them for her. I am just trying to figure this out myself.

Shortly after I got into my second emotional relationship of this past year, I told my mom about it and explained why I liked being in that relationship. She really understood. I do think that sometimes she is in denial about the true nature of my desires, but that is to be expected I guess.

We don't really talk about it very often because my dad is always around and I don't want him to hear what I am saying. I don't trust him, respect him, or like him. So there is a little anger and forgiveness problem that needs to be dealt with. Yes, I am working on it with my counselor. I am very resistant to forgiving him, but God keeps sending me these little reminders in interesting ways. One was an invitation to a 3 day workshop on forgiveness. Ha ha very funny, God.

My mom is not an affectionate person and I crave affection. My dad is an affectionate person and I can't stand for him to touch me. So when my mom gives me hugs, I really like it, but I know that it is work for her. She just doesn't have it in her to show love that way very well. Since she has never been very affectionate, it is somewhat awkward to ask for a hug.

I have had a few hugs from people who can somehow convey their love through a hug and that is so different from what I am used to. Those hugs I just soak up. I really do need more touch in my life, but that is so hard to get when you are single. When I admit my SSA to people, they tend to change the way they touch me without even realizing it. If they are uncomfortable touching me, then I would rather they not do it at all.

~Bethany