Gaydar

Some people call it "gaydar" but what it really is about is us recognizing that same brokenness in others because of our identifying spirits. There are times I can just look at someone and because of what I've dealt with I can look at them and tell right away that they have SSA (same-sex attractions) before I even talk to them. Then after further investigation I find out that indeed they were or are struggling with homosexuality.

I am not the kind of person with SSA who is determined to lead an "alternate" lifestyle. I desperately want to change. I have always been distant, especially from my father. When I was younger, my dad had a lot of growing up to do still.

He's the greatest now, but back then, he used to have a short temper. He would occasionally beat my mom in my presence. Being an only child until the age of six, I have been pretty close to my mom.

To see ANYONE hurt her made me want to hate that person no matter what he was to me. Behind the tears, screams, shouts and calls to the cops, I told myself over and over again that I didn't want to ever be like my dad in any way. This period of abuse didn't last very long. My dad got help and he hasn't even so much as raised his voice to my mom since I was like 6 or 7 (like I said he's a great guy now). However, this promise that I kept in the back of my mind stuck there.

I never wanted to like sports because my dad liked sports, I never wanted to do anything my dad liked because I didn't want to relate to him. It took a long time, but I am now very close to my dad. Even though we are close now, what happened in the past has caused damage that still needs quite a bit of work.....but we'll get there.

My parents found out about me completely on accident. I am not at all the flamboyant or effeminate type, so they really had no idea. When I turned 18, I met a guy who I thought I fell in love with. He seemed to understand me in every way possible. When I met him, I figured I wanted him in my life forever. You see, by 18, I had already accepted my "new lifestyle".

I was influenced by other gay peers that I was born like this, it wasn't my fault, don't blame myself, this is the way god made me so don't think that god will be mad if I lead this life and basically just find myself a "man" and live your life happily ever after. I was so wrong. His name was Roger.

He had written me a "love" letter which I had shoved in the glove box of my truck. One day, I lent my dad my truck to haul some furniture and he got pulled over.

He naturally reached in the glove box and pulled everything out to look for my registration and insurance. He noticed a letter in there. When he got home, as I guess any parent wanting to know what was going on in his son's life, he read the letter.

Horrified, he told my mom.

My mom confronted me in tears. I confessed that I was "Bi" and we cried in her room for hours. I told her that this was who I was and that she was just going to have to accept it. She did her own research and found a lot of information on the views of a man by the name of Dr. Nicolosi. To make a long story short, she convinced me that I wasn't born like this and that I could change. In fact she told me that she would never accept that I will always be gay.

At first this was hard, but after a while I knew what she meant. After a while I did my own research on the topic and have read a few books, one of them - my favorite,"You Don't Have to be GAY" by Jeff Conrad. This book has virtually destroyed any doubts I had that I could change.

I know that I could go to my mom now about anything on this topic and she would be completely supportive. That helps a lot. Although my dad knows about my situation,he never alienated himself for me in anyway or treated me differently. That also means a lot.

He's never confronted me about it directly, but when he talks to me or gives me advice, he'll bring it up but in disguise. Like, he'll tell me that I can change myself in anyway, or I can be whoever I want to be. This is ok too, but what I'm trying to say is don't let your son do this on his own. Always be sure to let him know in one way or another that you still believe in him because believe me, it helps.

At the time I only believed there are gays, straights, and bi’s, that anyone who says they can or might change is only lying to themselves and trying to suppress who they really are to please the world. This is what I mean by the hardest 1st obstacle.

This is also the same controversial argument that anti-ex-gays use to attack people who want to change or who want to get other people to change. You see, people who are convinced that they are born gay and will always be gay have already adopted the fact that they can't change; they have already accepted themselves and are simply,constantly seeking comfort. Anyone who says that change is possible is attacking their realm of comfort because these people are basically saying that they are wrong.

I can agree that suppressing your feelings only pleases the rest of the world and not yourself. This is so true, but he's missing the whole point. The whole point is to not suppress your gay feelings, but to get rid of them. I know this sounds ridiculous to someone who is actively gay, but it is possible.

Anyone who merely suppresses their feelings are not turned around. You know that you are turned around when you truly no longer have these feelings.

This is going to take a long time, but it will happen if you pursue it. I know because I'm almost there. It has been a year an a half since I've started my journey, but to be honest, I have had sex with another guy a couple months ago.

During sex, I found that there wasn't anything there anymore. I just kept telling myself that as soon as this guy finishes, it will all be over. I just wanted it to end because I no longer "felt it".

Friends that know about my situation have told me how much change they've noticed in my attitude towards life. I can now go out with my guy friends and pick up on girls without feeling awkward. Although, a good looking guy will still turn me on at first glance.....it is only at first glance.

I never even think of how it would be like to be in bed with this guy like I used to. I know I still have some ways to go
to get rid of this, but I know I am progressing and if you put your foot down like I did, you will progress too. It takes time, but it is possible. I hope this helps a little and sorry this is so long.

-Jimmy-